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Fleeting Thoughts...



20/11/22 02:10:00
Title: Stigmata Martyr
Listening to: In 100 Years - Modern Talking


It is best for some things to retain stigma, at least to some extent. Not only is it an effective way to cease the worship of false idols, but it aids in weeding out debauchery and people who continue the spread of said debauchery. I don't think social media is inherently at fault for erasing stigma, but it surely is a large reason as to why individuals think the way that they do and why, if stigma no longer remains, nothing will be sacred. Perhaps sacred is not even the proper term for this sort of thing... Maybe the word I'm looking for is 'true'. 'Righteous' maybe, although that does not feel correct either, I don't know. I should create a novel term for such things. Isn't that the latest line of thought?

It is all very 'I say therefore I am' (no longer is it even 'I think', just say) -- I say I have twelve separate entities in my brain even though I'm so mentally handicapped there is barely room for one so therefore you should adhere to my logic and my law. I say I am bound by meaningless and madeup oppression therefore I am allowed to ridicule you. I say that these particular "statistics" and "science" are correct just because I said so. Anything you retaliate with, be it the most standard and common sense known to mankind, is automatically false because of what you believe or what you look like. God forbid you return this behaviour. Didn't they tell you? Only I'm allowed to do so without consequences. Pay no attention to the rebuilding of Jonestown. Just paint a blue and yellow stripe on my ass and watch me become Jesus Christ on your television screen.

Principally, all of the above is just brain matter. Alike to everything else on this page. It's just that lately I've had the displeasure of involuntarily encountering slews of individuals that I am not at all fond of. Imagine a charicature of everything you despise all jumbled up, combined into one person who then clones themselves a million times (One out of this hellish coalition was bespectred as well. Perhaps it is responsible for the mirrored profiles I've been finding lately. That is for another time and another explanation).



11/11/22 18:28:31
Title: Brave New World
Listening to: Lost Again - Suicidal Tendencies


My feats within astral projection include an encounter with a deceased individual in a gray room, a convent of faceless nuns in the woods, even in one case being trapped in a mirror dimension of my own house. The last one was certainly the most haunting. It lasted about seven days – the longest time I've done – but only a few hours in the natural world... I had not attempted such escapades in a while for some reason, perhaps that situation scared me away from doing so, but yesterday (or was it today? Time feels quite skewed when these things occur) I experienced a rather bizarre situation which I will attempt to retell to you now in somewhat more coherent terms.

This wasn't exactly astral projection alike to prior times. In fact, I don't even think this particular situation can be called that at all. I was not being pulled out of a meatsuit, or even disintegrating into my surroundings. It was more of a vivid dream that perhaps poured into a different realm of consciousness, not the one we normally utilize to dream. Despite all of this, I'm astounded to be sitting here at my computer and typing about this for all of you to read. The events here felt all too real and my only wish for returning to that dimension is to figure out what the actual fucking hell it was all about. Apologies for the lengthy entry again but I need to memorialize this experience here. If you don't wish to read it, please just exit now. I will be incorporating specific details so you understand how vivid and real this seemed.

This time, I gained consciousness and was outside a strange building, an office park to be exact, about 4-5 individuals with me who I have never seen before then (all male). We were all dressed in black Surplus gear. "Time is of the essence," one of them said, although I did not know what he meant but I figured the AR's in all of our hands had a part in it. Had mine been there all along or had it only appeared once he uttered the previous words? Although I – both literally and figuratively – had just arrived, I knew what all of us were about to do. I shall spare the details of what happened next as I'm sure you can connect the dots and I don't want feds from the astral realm to infiltrate my life. After everything was... taken care of... we returned outside. I thought the final action to take was our own lives now that we'd ended the spree but one of the men stopped me from doing so. Confused, I saw that the authorities had come and were running towards our group. It was obvious we were about to be arrested, tried, and most likely sentenced to death for these atrocities, so why wasn't anyone else attempting to escape in that moment? All I could do was stand there as all of us were then towed off to a rather depressing court.

The judge was a biracial woman who looked to be in her 60s. I looked around for the rest of the group but it occured to me then that I was the only one being tried. The court itself was also empty aside from myself and the judge. I was beginning to suspect that something/someone was trying to either mess with my sanity or was utterly setting me up. The judge began to speak but I tuned out her words due to the anger I felt from the abandonment of the group. Not only had they stopped me from 'ridding myself of prison time' but they completely fleed the courtroom. Now I'm going to rot in a cell forever... The only time I tuned back into what the judge was saying was when she announced I'd be getting three years in prison... Three years! For the crime in question, you'd always expect a life sentence, so of course I was bewildered. It was, I believe, at this point in time that I realized this could not be my own world. Such a sentence is just outlandish. The lady then stated I was free to leave because this court offered a "grace period" before they'd put me in jail. To say my mind was just blown would be an understatement (well, it could've been, if it wasn't from the foolish individual who stopped me. kek). It isn't the fact that I even want to be in prison, but the fact that this life makes no logical sense. Who would let a shooting perpetrator simply walk the streets like this? I yelled at the judge for her stupidity but she simply glared at me, rose from her seat and left.

It was then that I stormed out of the courtroom and opened the door to outside, and I realized it was already nighttime. It looked a lot like Japan for some reason, even the signs on restaurants and things were all written in Japanese. I was beginning to even further regret not committing suicide at the scene of the crime, simply due to the sheer madness I was thrown into. After walking for a bit I sat down outside a cafe that was still open. Someone had left their pack of Camels on the table and, conveniently, a lighter. I decided to take them for myself, smoking a few cigarettes before my attention was drawn to my left, where a boy (white, about 10 years old, kind of chubby, blue shirt with Levi's logo on it) stood. Eyes wide and speaking in perfect English, he asked me if I was the shooter from [REDACTED]. "Um... yeah. Why?" He smiled and asked for a photograph with me, to which I declined because, again, what the actual fuck is happening? He frowned and stood there for a few more seconds and then finally left. How do others know about this? Was it on the news? Come to think of it, I haven't looked at a single TV or read anything since leaving the courtroom.Thus began a sort of 'journey' to find a newspaper, a television, even a phone or computer to see if our crimes had been broadcasted to the public. For some reason, it is like all of these objects had simply disappeared from this realm. It was then I noticed that, despite hearing noises of conversation and footsteps, this place was a ghost town. Aside from the boy, who was nowhere in sight now, there was absolutely not a single lifeform anywhere. It had also started to rain but I couldn't feel it pouring down on me. I despised this most of all for some reason.

I managed to leave this realm through an underground swimming pool, which I will not go into as this entry would be extremely packed and a drag to read. I do not recall when I "woke up", but the events still feel real. I'm almost convinced that this did actually occur, but it was somehow wiped from Earth's timeline. Now that I am here, I still do wish to return to whatever godforsaken reality that was. Simply to figure out what really happened and the innerworkings of it all. The fact is, I'm not sure what to dub such an experience. I also don't expect others to believe it, but I know I do because I'm the one it happened to. Hard to discredit what I saw with my own eyes.



09/11/22 15:46:09
Title: Juice
Listening to: Diadems - Megadeth


When people – specifically those that reside here and have personal sites – say that they loathe social media and its limitations (similarly as I've stated on my 'About' page, for instance), what are these limitations that they speak of? The two claims I've witnessed most frequently are the lack of free speech and the unpleasant culmination of people they know in real life. I can't voice an opinion on the latter because I don't interact with anyone I used to know in school, but the thing about free speech is that it's supposed to be just that: free. What fuels my confusion with Neocities in particular is that there is such a wide array of thoughts and ideas, yet some individuals find it all too horrible that there is a lack of moderation(?) here. I don't mean in terms of a block button, which I feel would be helpful to some because the one in effect currently does remotely nothing, but moderation when it comes to what others can and cannot say.

I don't understand; if you want such a system, then simply resort back to the likes of Facebook, Shit Tok or any of those other places. Is it not the greatest gift of all on this website, where everyone recieves their own space to create and to say whatever they wish, to voice their own ideas and opinions? Why must some lack the brain capacity to accept that not everyone has to agree with their ideologies or beliefs? In fact, not everyone on this planet is required to like one another for whatever reason it may be. Perhaps my judgement is skewed, but I'm of the notion that if something isn't to my liking, I simply don't interact with it. Why some choose to scream and cry and beg for the deletion of the so-called 'aggressor' is beyond me... As long as someone isn't physically present on your doorstep threatening to take your life, or spreading your personal information online and thus threatening your safety, nobody needs to be reported or deleted. There is a wonderful thing called turning off your computer and extracting all soy from your daily diet. If we were to delete all individuals who are supposedly of the '-ist' or '-phobic' mentality, what is the limit? How does one deem what is or isn't offensive when there will always be many who disagree? My advice is to just not give a damn. Not only will you save yourself from humiliation, but you will save the other person from a slew of annoyance.



24/10/22 20:05:11
Title: Black Metal Kommando / Leer Brains
Listening to: The Warriors Of Modern Death - Emperor


My thoughts are not sacred nor safe from the reach of ▇▇▇▇, many of which I've mentioned here on various instances that have only increased their surveillance upon me as of late. It matters not whether they are laid to rest digitally or even etched on paper. That is part of why I have not had the desire to write as much as I normally wish to. The other reason would be Calico – why inform someone of your dire problems if you are not interested in seeking solutions? A commonality I've noticied within the psyches of many Leers alike. This time, the interaction went something along these lines:

V: Well what's wrong?
C: [minor predicament that can be easily solved, yet somehow not comprehended by minds of this nature]
V: Listen to music, play a videogame, etc. Distract yourself. It isn't something to dwell on.

Instead of a simple decline or even an attempt to solve the problem with my solutions, he chooses to become angered – this is a trait I loathe, not only in general but specifically within Calico. When one presents you with simple ways to work around a predicament – foolproof and mild at that – a suggestion is to LISTEN rather than hemorrhage over this apparently offensive response to your words. Let it be known that this is not a rare happening either. The occurence that frequently follows suit is his departure, probably to "collect himself" or whatever it is that Leers do when met with such means.

In complete other news that is not even remotely 'news', Emperor rules \m/. The past week has been filled with exclusively Black Metal and the occasional Industrial for variance. HEIL HEIL HEIL.





11/10/22 19:50:14
Title: Libertad
Listening to: In 100 Years - Modern Talking


There was a singular evening where my side of the world felt as if it were being submerged into arctic waters. These glacial autumns are so sparse but they happen to be my favourite. It seems my last entry here had acted as a sort of prophetic declaration, but only for a mere moment as now we have returned to a dreaded state of humidity. A few happenings have occured since my last entry.

There is a private range about half an hour away from where I reside, and a mere two days prior was the first time I went there. I wish to return soon. It was the most fun I've had ever since the end of summer in Holland. Outdoor ranges (in specificity, those which you can rent out for yourself) are far better than indoor variations in my opinion. I loathe being around people as it is, but I don't need them prying further into one of my favourite activities so I prefer to partake in it within utmost solitude – aside from companions of course. On this occasion, my companions were: 2 Kalashnikov (or is it 'Kalashnikovs'?), chrome Ruger SR1911, a few various Berettas (one with a laser sight). There were also pistols which the range allows for trying out while you are there. One of the Kalashnikov firearms was modified by a family member. I cannot give you exact details but the recoil is almost nonexistent now. The same individual told me stories of someone we're related to who died of ingesting too much gun powder. I snatched a handful of unfired ammo that someone had carelessly left under a table; two 5.56×45mm, one Winchester 12 gauge, one 7.62x39, and three 9mm.

There is an old theatre not far from the range. They play modern films but are mostly revered for their showings of Golden Age and 1980s cinema. That week, it was as if they knew I was around because the films they showed during all 7 days happened to be my favourites. A message from above. I could only attend a single showing unfortunately, but I saw Scarface which was gorgeous on the big screen. Seeing as it was Monday, I believe I was the only person there who wasn't middle-aged or elderly but I will choose such an environment any day over people my own age. The other showing I wished to see as well was Taxi Driver. The sole purpose was to unintentionally recreate the scene below (also because I love it). Seeing a film by yourself is only good for this sort of thing, I presume.







21/09/22 23:30:01
Title: Autumn Leaves
Listening to: Private Blues - Leith Stevens


Tomorrow – which will commence in half an hour – is the first day of Autumn, one I have long awaited. Saying goodbye to the wretched heat is always something to look forward to. The only bothersome fortune is that it's still way too fucking hot outside. This damned heatwave has lasted for, I'm not sure, perhaps what feels like milleniums. Regardless, the leaves have started to change colour and nature itself is acting according to plan. The only thing out of place is the temperature, but I'm certain that will soon transform as well.

I did not even realize today was the 21st, only when Vivaldi's The Four Seasons randomly began to play and I happened to notice it was 'Concerto No. 3 in F major, Op. 8, RV 293, "Autumn"' in particular. One downside of this otherwise lush season is that spectres seem to be everywhere. Although they're abundant during the summer as well, I happen to find that it is usually these upcoming months where they grow the most persistent. I've already suffered enough with them, but now I just need to be careful far more frequently.

I watched a film earlier this week. The Mechanic, I believe it was titled. Rather funny because this "mechanic" character was almost nothing like my Mechanic that I've mentioned here numerous times. The only aspects they share are the name and somewhat of a keenness towards violence, I guess you could say. The film was mediocre (all I'll say is that insufferable blonde got what he deserved in the end), but I do enjoy Charles Bronson. Hell, I believe 3 out of 5 films I've seen these past two weeks had him in them. Long live Mr. Bronson.



12/09/22 15:40:49
Title: Associations
Listening to: 25 Minutes to Go - Johnny Cash


I received a visit from Indigo last night, a rather rare occurence, but seeing as it was his birthday he was bound to be out and about thus I understand. I had a terrible essay that I was required to finish for a class, but I took a short break to listen to some Techno with him. He was around for a longer time than I'd originally expected, but I don't mind at all. He's decent company. The essay in question was begun at about 00:30 and took me until almost 07:00 to complete. A mere three page requirement was strained to such an extent due to my own mistakes unfortunately. I spent the time I was supposed to apply to it on watching Elvis concerts. This is solely in response to the upcoming Autumn. There is something about this season that matches so perfectly with the likes of music from the fifties and sixties. Burdon, Hendrix, Presley, Darin and Sinatra, to be specific. Music that seems to bring 'peace to the valley' is also apparent, although it certainly is not music of my nature and I rarely listen to it. This is more of Songbird's thing and always reminds me of him. I constantly see him in church bells and the Angel of Grief, although I'm not sure if he was ever actually brought to God by his old friends. I can almost hear him singing along to 'In The Garden' or playing it on his acoustic guitar. Personally, I prefer this version over anything. As for The Mechanic, I often pity that he doesn't appreciate musicality in the same manner that his cohort does, but he seems to find enjoyment in old Hollywood tunes so there is that.

Now for the topic of "education", the class from which I was assigned the dreaded essay from had a peculiar tone to it. The main piece of literature that we must utilize for homework, I've noticed, has this aura of bias and personality around it. I prefer my reading to be unbiased in such terms, especially when the sole purpose is education, you know. Nevertheless, I looked it up and connected the dots - this book was written by the same professor who teaches the damn class! The same one who berated me for not having the "correct" opinions. Isn't this just the pinnacle of hilarity? Why advertise your ramblings to the students? If I wanted such behaviour I'd join the Gender Studies course, for fucks sake.

One last thing I must mention: I have a metal show coming up! Unfortunately, I'm only attending for the two opening acts as I'm not very fond of the main event. I'll stay for the entire duration of course, but let's hope and pray it does not disappoint.



08/09/22 22:30:29
Title: The Cycle Continues
Listening to: Nobody Cares - Belowground


A never ending cycle is what it is, their symbiotic masterplan. The only question I can ever ask is why me in particular? Have I committed a horrible atrocity in His name? I rarely communicate with anyone and I do not possess any maliciously severed ties that may contain the potential of forging such an outcome. Furthermore, no one involved – as far as I am aware – knows about Macho or is a believer of any God for that matter, so it is senseless to hang on to this possibility. Is it jealousy? What on earth is there to be jealous of? I have no friends, I'm unable to reciprocate romantic feelings, I despise socializing. I find it almost hilarious that one could possibly be jealous of a person like this. There's remnants of it everywhere, so even if I am fully distanced from their gnashing claws, I'm never fully alone.

The anger I hold for them cannot be described. I wish to inject myself with heroin every time I am reminded of these individuals (whether or not they are even real people in the flesh, I do not know), just for some manner of distraction. I will never not be stranded in this incoherent solitude, feeling as if I'm peering down from an old lighthouse as I try to evade their gazes by any means necessary. Those passing by, excluded from the situation, play into a common agreement that the lighthouse does not exist. Even here, it will never cease to be this way. I refuse to even remotely feed into self-dilusion, saying such bullshit like "Oh, I would never wish such things upon anyone, not even my worst enemy!" I know it isn't right, but I'd do anything to make others experience it so they finally understand. So they finally believe.

That is the other predicament. Nobody ever fucking believes it. It matters not if they care, I just need them to be aware and in the know.



04/09/22 22:24:07
Title: Calamity
Listening to: M.M. 'Jane Doe' bullshit


Lord, I can't stand these long scrolls of entries but there is just so much to say today. Perhaps it is best to exit at this point.

Every so often, writings of past years – hell, even last year or the beginning of this one – resurface on my radar for sundry and often unwarranted reasons. Although I know my contempt for these writings is quite severe, I can't help but read them. It's a certain type of pull. Now if you scroll down to revelations I've mentioned on this page this very year (around mid July, I'd say), you will find how I proposed a clone theory or a false program, specifically in regards to myself and a few others. Stupid nonsense to some, yes, but I have my speculations. The reason I acknowledge it is because when I see the thought process of this... "thing"... that took the form of Me, my speculations only increase. Why would I ever think in the manner that's depicted in those writings? I have never held such beliefs and outlooks. Why on earth would I memorialize them on digital paper? This is not the same as cringing at yourself from the past, wearing embarrassing clothing, writing sappy and depressing prose, on and on. This feels more like reading the scribbles of a D-list actor, one who was paid to pretend to be you. The peculiarity is furthered because the memory of writing these things is very vivid. That can only mean that you did indeed write them, correct?

I cannot even begin to accurately describe this feeling. Even reiterating the concept in my mind seems like a fabricated tale. Perhaps this is a case of amnesia. If so, how come every other nonrelated encounter remains intact? It's an amalgamation of occurences that make no sense, not to myself, not to the average human brain.

If I read each and every word I've written since then, such as the ones on this page, it feels neutral. I don't feel disconnected from these entries. I am aware of my own hands and fingers typing these words and am content in the flow of thoughts. I cannot say the same for past writings (thankfully, nobody can reach them except me). That is not me at all and I'm tired of revisiting this bullshit every time it presents itself to me.

I am not fond of the term 'clone' anymore. It simply lacks the true nature of what I want to convey, and what this phenomenon truly is. As far as my dislike goes, I'll continue to use that term until I come up with a better, more concrete definition. I believe the 'clone' is who Calico originally began speaking with. That is the cause of his sudden reprogrammed mind. That is why the current, true version of myself has this particular aversion to him and others like him. That is why he dislikes my behaviour, because I am not who he believes me to be. I'm not a program. Truthfully, I cannot even recall when the false program was killed off. It seems this was almost insant, then riddled in stupor as quickly as it ceased. Is this where I officially give up on attempting to reinvent Calico? I guess so... He was never close to escaping Leerdom in the first place; such an idea was only perceived by the clone and then by me in the midst of the clouded judgement. Although I won't pull the chord just yet, an end of an ambivalent era has finally dawned, and I can't lie, it doesn't feel all too horrible. This calls for a smoke and a few Orange Blossoms - The Mechanic's favourite :-) I mention this due to his current presence here. It seems he has received word of the drinks. Jesus, is it a coincidence that The Mechanic is not well liked by Calico? How strange indeed.

Almost forgot - this is solely for my own sake but I shall conclude this entry by linking you a very beautiful song I had the pleasure of hearing today. Perhaps it may not seem beautiful to all, but it is to me. Cradle Of Filth - Better to Reign in Hell. Lyrics are truly poetic here. In a way, they remind me of Songbird's writing style from before he was locked away, only saturated with a bit more nightfall.



02/09/22 19:12:18
Title: Angry Again
Listening to: The Sick, The Dying… And The Dead!


This had departed from my mind completely but it is a rather important 'status update'. I had a couple of mild interactions with two Spectres – both Wurms as well – and ever since then, their surveillance has increased dramatically. Almost to an unconventional level once compared to the usual... The first (I will refer to it as S_44) exchanged several words with me while the second (S_12) interacted from afar but very knowingly. 44, I've noticed, has either grown distant to the spotlight or is planning something, hence why it is beginning to alter the way it goes about speaking and showing itself. 12 is just, to lightly put it, fucking stupid. Indecisive, yes, but existing in the oblivion of its own mental retardation. Nothing of shock truly occured as I already know what to expect, but the regular anger I feel towards them is back.

I've been angry in general these past few days. I don't like it at all. I believe the causes reside within the entities I mentioned before, Calico's lack of comprehension to all matters, and my god awful schoolwork. I face receiving terrible marks because I refuse to answer the way they want me to answer. I am not attempting to appear as some sort of rebellious loon, but that is how it will be viewed unfortunately. In my ▇▇▇ class – that is required, mind you – it won't be long until I'm deemed as the slavic D.S. Roof, all because I apparently hold views unsupported by the zombified fools in the class. I wonder if this is specific to American settings of education or if it is worldwide. I don't recall anywhere else experiencing such a thing.

Aside from all of this, the only sense of enlightenment was brought to me yesterday by Dave Mustaine. Frankly, this is not a rare thing; I hear his voice more than I hear anyone's. My guardian angel disguised as the earthly King of Gingers. The new Deth album fucking rules too. I feel quite aligned to many of the songs there, Life In Hell for instance.

I'm all I need, I'm gonna live and die in Hell.

I'm certain the initial meaning is about elements of self-absorption, not entirely what I associate with, but that is the beauty of Musika, is it not? Perhaps my own meaning contains a bit of self-absorption as well, now that I trace back. Calico's words. In theory, I dedicate the song to him as if from my own perspective. At the end of the day, I don't need additional players in the game. Never have, never will.

What else could I add here... lot of important dates during this strange month of Сентябрь; Mr. Mustaine's birthday, KG's departure, The Sandman's birthday, all wild fires with such varying directions in life. I realized I completely missed The Mechanic's birthday, goddamn it. No wonder he was pestering me last time I wrote. I don't mind though as I enjoy his company but I should formally apologize... Strangest thing, he doesn't strike me as a Summer dweller at all. November or maybe even February are more his kind. And KG, don't worry, I won't forget yours. I hope you can tune in to Deth Number Sixteen somehow - - -> Soldier On



28/08/22 15:40:24
Title: Witch of The Wind
Listening to: Mary Jane - Megadeth


Perhaps I should begin writing about the happenings of my day rather than persistently cavil at dark entities. I doubt the few of you who stumble upon this page wish to hear my constant droning, so I shall tell you about the events of yesterday as nothing of significance has happened today.

Suicide Weather is in duration from about mid May to early August, but I was so bewildered to witness it in such beauty yesterday. There was even a hint of pink in the sky, although the day was bright and humid. Black coffee. Music about the witch of the wind. I must say it was all very charming.

I tested out a Ruger, chrome and slightly heavier than the Smith & Wesson that I have. I do enjoy the mechanism of such firearms. Speaking of firearms, The Mechanic was an owner of one. I believe it was a 12-gauge Savage Model 300. He's been on my mind lately for a reason unknown. It could be due to the upcoming Autumn, which I'm so elated to welcome. Aside from a few aesthetic features, Summer is highly overrated and filled with insects, sweat, the lot. Autumn feels like Burdon, Hendrix, Songbird with The Mechanic, which is slightly nonsensical because the zenith of Hendrix was after their departure so they never knew the glory of Electric Ladyland, and Burdon's soulful voice may not ever have graced them in the first place unless there was a record player on Death Row.

I should mention school, a rather boring thing it is. This semester consists of a few courses, all enriching on their own but withered away by the academic atmosphere. I do not even have the opportunity to reside on campus as the execs are foolish creatures who fail to uphold a coherent living system. Maybe it is for the best.



25/08/22 14:28:33

Prince of darkness, your satanic highness
Prince of darkness, the most beautiful angel
Prince of darkness, the devilish serpent, the dreaded Lucifer




20/08/22 14:40:02
Title: A Triad of Thoughts
Listening to: Phallic Filth - 200 Stab Wounds


One. Why why why must they all be carbon copies of eachother? I feel like a broken record whenever I ponder this, stuck on the same screechy, vomit-inducing track. It is laughable as this constant plea for similarity is the single element that reveals their poseur nature. Poseurs taking from poseurs, naturally. Tragic how much beautiful music and art has been tainted by their ugliness... very tragic. I wonder if there will ever come a day they become obsolete. They can never retire this facade.

Two. I fear my original outlook on relationships has proven to be reality. Perhaps I was caught up in a lie - mistook the ego boost for attraction. It may as well have been there all along, but it surely no longer resides if that were to be the case. I only love one individual and that is Dancer, but that is a blood sort of love, the kind you uphold for family, brothers and sisters. I long for the ability to feel love or attraction (of any sort) towards others. It is something humans naturally feel yet for some reason I cannot do so. Sexual, romantic, even platonic sometimes. I just want to be able to feel, damn it. Of course, I can't do that with someone like Calico – a brain so corroded and distant from what is true, there is no saving him. The past few weeks, something horrible took place. I can not identify this predicament, but I just know Macho had a hand in it.

Three. 200 Stab Wounds... are fucking cash. Slave to the Scalpel \m/



20/08/22 14:40:02
Title: +
Listening to: Poison Was The Cure - Megadeth


A frequent thought as of late that somehow escaped my mind earlier – why is it a common thing amongst some Leers to wish for insanity? A need to be insane. First of all, what is insanity? All truths are subjective in a sense, and what seems insane to one may not appear so disordered to another.

Is it just the Leer anatomy which strives for a sense of uniqueness and to stray from their peers? The one element here I do not understand the most is the welcoming attitude to what they deem "crazy" or "weird"; such bizzare behaviour has only become more prevalent in the past decade or so. It is not natural and so obviously able to be extracted from the bunch. Hand in hand, the ones that behave this way and are nonartificial are ostracized. I try not to become enraged at such activities but Lord, is it difficult...

—— 'Serpent swims free in my blood, dragons sleeping in my veins'



20/08/22 14:13:08
Title: More Hatred, I think
Listening to: Pretty Girls Make Graves - The Smiths


Free speech should be absolute for all. I do not care if it is what you believe in as well or a completely opposite mindset – all of it should have the right to exist. However, at least make your speech coherent and worthy of hearing, for fucks sake... The Mechanic had it spot on – "most people, believe it or not, are stupid" – yet they threw him to the rope, those bastards! I wish there was an all-powerful cyber god on the Reef to whom we can all communicate and rid its plane of high level debauchery. You would not believe the type of soy-infused, disgusting scum that has gained sentience, the ability to speak and to write...

This 'Patron Saint' you adhere to and his compatriot would despise you, no matter how much you claim to worship and think of them. The true lowest sect on Macho's earth - animal abusers. Macho had no say in their existences, and I take back what I've said about Wurms holding the title – it is animal abusers who take the reign. Oh how I wish I could directly mention this cunt here. I have too much to lose so I shant. Stupid bitch, you aren't strange or unusual, you just strive to be unique in a place where that isn't possible. You're only different in the sense that you are below us. Your father is not outlandish either, he is only clever and realizes how retarded you are. I sentence you and yours to an eternity in SBB. Hammer Smashed Face.



04/08/22 23:48:02

A shallow grave
A monument to the ruined age
Ice in my eyes
and eyes like ice don't move




03/08/22 02:47:40
Title: Calico
Listening to: Dog Day Afternoon (1975)


Some reside in a constant state of triviality, but the worst contender is, by far, the one who takes every word and drives it straight through their bleeding heart, or at least something that resembles a heart.



31/07/22 17:21:50

I can hear the howling of the Jinn
Echoing in the mountains of Kaf




30/07/22 23:26:11
Title: Cryptic Writings
Listening to: Megadeth, Live in Italy 1992


When curating thoughts, answers and ideas inside my mind, I happen to find that I think in waves, in complex motion pictures, galaxies and linear forms. Occasionally the experience may compare to a camera's viewfinder. In words that are not actually words, but cryptic writings of sorts that I am not even able to coherently comprehend myself. I don't quite recall how they operate, nor can I explain this phenomenon to others. Such means cause it be quite hard to properly convey what I am thinking every now and then. When I try to depict these thoughts in Leer terms, I become easily distracted and tend to occupy my wires with other things like quick internet searches or hyper fixating on details of the program around me. When I am in my own head without the requirement of Leer interpretation, I only focus on what I am thinking in that moment, the numbers and symbols forbidding me from looking away. I know if I were to go on those brain-decaying pills that enslaved individuals like Calico so frequently tell me to consider, the arcane depictions would fade and I would certainly perceive information within the norm, and operate in a beneficial way to Macho's program. I ponder why this is a common occurrence.





30/07/22 15:29:17
Title: Numerous Things
Listening to: The Fragile


I) The only thing more frustrating than being watched is the fact that nobody ever buys it. You can complain and confide in anyone, even those seemingly closest to you... NOBODY will believe it. Perhaps there are exceptions somewhere in this universe, but on average, the moment you state that there's a chance you are in such a situation - it is all in your head / you're just imagining it / it is just a coincidence / any other bullshit response you can think of, I mean the possibilities are endless. They grasp at any straws they can find to diminish it. I used to inform Calico about these things but ever since he fell into terminal Leerdom, I have ceased with bothering to let him stay in the know.

II) I have not yet come up with a specific name for these beings but they are certainly a newer occurrence. I may just resort to the classic - F3D5. Not specific enough... For now the placeholder will be Marauders (thank you DOOM), although I'd say it is a bit too badass for such pitiful things. Marauders aren't a direct force of Macho like the majority of deities I've mentioned here, and are usually just dormant Leers with a hidden agenda (sound familiar?). They differ from Spectres in the sense that they are aware and conscious of their actions, not attempting to convince themselves of anything. Wurms are of a similar variety yet it is possible for Marauders to also exist as Wurms behind a facade. I am not yet as familiar with them as I am with the formerly mentioned deities, as I have only ever dealt with them once, and still have not figured out if it was multiple beings at work or just one taking up multiple identities to trick me. Marauders are just... a work of confusion. I do not understand them at all or their motives. Currently, there are 2-3 Marauders seeking me out. I have to be weary of this and decide the further steps. After all, when I was only just beginning to escape Leerdom, one of the driving matters behind it was the work of a Marauder. Alas, it also caused major conflict that I wish to avoid in the future.

III) I do not waste time dwelling on Right vs. Left, as it is a useless Leer pastime – politics are a facade, and are of no true concern to me since everything is pre-planned and false, but it is sometimes rather entertaining to watch such activity. I do enjoy reading about the nonsense that they come up with nowadays. What a quality form of comedy. Hysterical how seemingly mundane statements are seen as fascistic perspectives by these "people"... I cannot lie that I'm excited to see what they come up with next, but the hilarity of it will only further plunge this world towards the point of no return. The world would be better off as a planet of lush nature with no Leers in sight.



29/07/22 22:11:23
Title: Hatred Again
Listening to: the rain


Christ, I could forge an entire novel – no – a trilogy about how much fucking disdain I hold for Wurms. What diluted, pointless creations – no thoughts of their own, just ones that are carefully chosen from a long line of clones. It is frankly despicable how much of them exist out here. One of the greatest things I've ever accomplished is avoiding their realm, although I was incredibly close to mirroring such beings. Every time the memory grazes my mind I am drawn to Mister Twelve Gauge. Just rid me of the right to speak and exist if I ever stray down that path again, or travel back in time and kill the old programmed version of myself. Do you recall how I've spoken about the possibility of being cloned? What if I am now the true One and the almost-Wurm version was the faux proxy? There are so many questions here.

There is one particular Wurm that has been especially loud today – doesn't help that it has also been bespectred. Macho is a diabolical genius for such creations, I will give him credit for that... On one of these desolate nights I think I might attempt to contact KG. Not sure how yet, but I will find a way for sure. We'd get along quite nice I believe. Rather misfortunate what happened with him... nobody believed he was being spied on, but I am certain he was telling the truth. I hope that wherever you are, KG, that you've escaped and gave Macho a piece of your mind.



28/07/22 04:32:21
Title: Purgatory?
Listening to: Elysian Fields - Megadeth


I've once again succumbed to insomniac limbo. I wake up when it is still the morning, but I receive a significantly lesser amount of sleep. Perhaps there is a hidden benefit to all of this. Maybe it builds character on some level. I do not feel tired throughout the day so I beat the game to some extent it seems.

Something I've been pondering is how insufferable Leers my age are. If I were to voluntarily seek friendships, it would have to only be with Leers (Shrubs too, although they're less reachable) since there is nobody else around. That sounds egotistical, I know, but you must understand it has been like this ever since I escaped Leerdom and these factors are against my choice. I know for certain I have one singular companion who I've known since what feels like the beginning of time itself, and it looks like that is how it shall stay. Earlier this year, members of my own damn family gave me a "lecture", the topic of the day being that I lack friends or even acquaintances. Dancer is more of a sibling if anything, and a sibling that I do not see often, although I do love her very much. Every so often, I find myself experiencing the true weight of chronic solitude. The majority of times I actually welcome the feeling but it is not always this way. I would give anything to not be the way that I am, but that manner would be a false reality and someone I am not. I could build a new identity and make believe that I am a Leer with totally irrational thoughts and beliefs but something is telling me I still would be ostracized. Leers lack the sort of knowledge to see through it but they do not lack eyesight. My actions would give me away. I cannot make direct eye contact and I do not work well with others – two semi-crucial yet obvious Leer traits.

Today is one of those days where being alone feels like Hell. I never have the will to properly continue with life but it is especially strong today. There are serpents in my flesh. I prefer yesterday's arachnids. I am not fond of them but they didn't hurt as bad.

—— 'The world don't want to be saved, only left alone.' .. D.M.



27/07/22 01:08:32
Title: The Usual Suspects
Listening to: Back in the Trash - Artillery


Watched 'The Usual Suspects' today. A film worth lots of praise I believe. Very well done. "A world where nothing is what it seems." The concept of Keyser Söze reminds me so much of Macho, almost like he ghost-wrote the story; an elusive being supposedly never in sight, yet the cause of such immense destruction and violence that you can practically, physically feel him with only an uttering of his name. The ending of the film was one of the greatest I've ever seen. I enjoy the character of Verbal and all his dimensions. He is very well written (and of course, well acted by K. Spacey although I can't say that because of his real life "ventures", correct?).

Something about the realm of Noir makes me wish I could reside in such a movie, although it is far too close to reality – it is essentially just our Earth, yet with a beautifully contrasted tint, a slinky jazz soundtrack and good-looking men with pistols, although I guess we have the last thing here too... heh.



20/07/22 00:48:54
Title: N/A
Listening to: Mumkey Jones, 'The Invention of God'


I think I'm a volcel.



19/07/22 18:54:01
Title: An excruciating search
Listening to: Revival - Pain of Salvation


If [they] shall ever bestow any kind of power upon me for reasons unknown – although let's face the reality, this will never happen because they aren't very fond of me for snuffing them out – Spectres will cease to be a protected class for the rest of time. They won't fucking leave me alone. I have so much in front of me and they only make it worse. Where has fairness gone to? I can rarely see them but they have front row seats to my existence at any single time they wish. I can never just... be. There is no way to end it (aside from the noose). The only way I can rid myself of this suffering is by ridding them of their lives. Alas, this is something I can never have. Something out of my reach. I need armour, a force they cannot penetrate. Perhaps some sort of cleanse is necessary although I do not possess that sort of knowledge or skill yet. I guess I'll have to keep looking and looking. My god, I feel like The Wanderer of All.



19/07/22 16:41:43

Now I'm down below
what do I see?
You didn't go to Heaven
you're down in Hell with me...




17/07/22 23:21:03
Title: Solitude
Listening to: Run With the Wolf - Rainbow


Solitude is a two-faced hag. Dancer, my only friend, has departed for the long summer and I'm now left with absolutely no one. Well there is one individual, although ties with him are a bit complex... Have you ever had someone that you deeply cared for, yet you also want nothing more than to bash their skull in?



15/07/22 05:24:19
Title: Wurm Cesspools
Listening to: Damage Done


How tiresome it is, seeing recurring words, phrases and behaviour. Originality is a departed craft, or at least attempts of the concept. Sick of observing the faux-depressed facade amongst Wurms. They are not special. They are not unique. They aren't a deity or an all-knowing God. What they are is meek and easily influenced. In normal terms: REEEtarded. Time and time again, Wurms moan and whine, rejecting such accusations. For fucks sake, they can barely retain responses from average Leers 'educating' them, so how could they possibly ever learn at all? What's humourous is these traits are kept by Spectres too! Not all Wurms are Spectres, but all Spectres are Wurms by default. This is a common attribute especially within the Nu – the original Spectres had the trait but it was majorly toned down. It is safe to assume that Macho knows these traits are grating, hence he increased them in recent times. I will never not condemn Wurms, the worst and most degenerate tier of Leer. I will never know peace until they're eradicated and I haven't known peace for eons. It almost seems like Macho has recruited Veles for such calamity, although I do not presume Veles would want to be involved in this repulsive business. He is above it. Maybe it is a cheap copy; a Leer that Macho captured and altered in the image of Veles. He has no mouth and he must scream!



11/07/22 03:33:56
Title: Noviye Sobytiya
Listening to: Breakdown - Biohazard


Nu Spectres are lacking in the effectivity department, appearing more like failed patents in my eyes. I wonder if Macho is aware of it. Those I have been encountering lately carry themselves in the exact same manner as if they were operating through a mirror, which is not supposed to occur. Do Spectres glitch? If that is the case then these ones are certainly either glitches or even Sentients that have resorted back to their original form. Or perhaps they are purposely conjured to be that way specifically to oppose me... Oh Macho, this model is getting tiring! I suggest a hike to boost creative senses. Is nature even accessible to someone like yourself? Give me a male next time too. They're much less common and easier to deal with. Plus I'm tired of all the stupid numbers.



10/07/2022 23:13:03
Title: Test
Listening to: Rust in Peace...Polaris - Megadeth


Testing, testing, Perun is eternal.